As I was walking during my lunch hour, I realized I had forgotten/neglected by blog. For shame! However, there is a lot going on in my mind!
The fallout from my aunt’s death continues. We have to clear out/up the house, which is hard for so many different reasons. I continue to step outside of myself and ask myself was I really raised in this town, this house, this neighborhood, this family. The iron curtain of my mind has really blocked the experience out. It’s bizarre. In some ways, the experience just becomes another role I perform. What a strange family I was born into. There has to be a reason we were put together, greater than our current roles of driving each other crazy.
As I was walking, I was thinking about satisfaction. I ask myself will I ever be satisfied or do I suffer from chronic dissatisfaction. What is it about us that wants more and more and more? It seems like we can’t enjoy what we do have because we are so focused on what we don’t have. What we don’t want. What we want. What we can’t have. It’s actually kind of sad.
I do this game with God where I say if this is meant to be cause this to happen. Then, when it doesn’t happen, I am strangely disappoint, but does God even operate like that?
With all the blessings I have in my life and all the good could I really long/desire more than I have? If I were God, I would be so disappointed in me right about now.
It’s a strange journey this thing called life.