Spiritual Healing

At the end of September, I had surgery to remove fibroids. I asked my mother to come and be with me as I recovered. My mother did not raise me, and our relationship has been pretty up and down over the course of my life. I thought it would be an opportunity for us to relate as mother and daughter.

My mother not raising me had a profound impact on my life and deeply impacted my feelings of self-worth. In short, I suffered from feelings of abandonment and rejection. When I was younger, I used to have an internal dialogue about my being unlovable. My mother not wanting/loving me was the only proof that I needed. During those conversations, another voice would enter that simply said, “God loved me.”

Even though I knew God’s love was the end all, I spent years looking for love. I desperately sought this seemingly elusive word called love. My friend Billie Washington once told me that God was going to send me love. I remember her words made me cry and were pivotal. God has sent me love. “…Pressed down, and shaken together, and running over…” love. I’m loved to the point that I’m spoiled, which is okay (smile and laugh).

During the time with my mom, I discovered that my mom does love me. Her visit ended up being a wonderful family reunion. I was reunited with cousins who live in the Seattle area who I had not seen or talked to in YEARS. I was reunited with the aunt that raised me who I had not seen or talked to in YEARS. I discovered that my family does love me. It was a great experience, and my family underwent healing. I parallel the recovery I went through after surgery with the recovery that is happening within my family.

Over the course of years, I had something growing inside of me naturally that I didn’t even know was there. It was only when the growth got so uncomfortable that I couldn’t ignore the impact that it had on my life that I took action. I learned that the fibroids were located in a place where they could block conception when it was time for me to try to have a child. If I had gotten pregnant, there would have been complications because the baby would have been unable to grow properly.

In the same way, the bitterness and anger I felt towards my family was blocking the spiritual gifts God would have me birth. Both issues, natural and spiritual, needed the hands of a trained surgeon to remove what was blocking conception and hindering a safe place for a gift to grow.

What does God need to surgically remove from you? Life is too short to hold on to grudges and to hold on to past offenses. The Master Surgeon is ready to perform a surgery of miracles on you. The Church is filled with trained nurses and staff to assist with the surgery and shower you with love and attention as you recover.

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Spiritual Remodel

I’m currently remodeling my condominium. For over a month, I have been living out of boxes. My life and existence seem extremely chaotic right now. I was bemoaning my current existence when it occurred to me how long I comfortably lived in spiritual and mental disorder and chaos.

I began musing on spiritual remodeling. When we accept Christ in our life, we become a new creation, and we are in a constant state of “remodeling.” During this adventure, I have learned that there are standard items that can be bought directly from the store because they fit most homes. Then, there are items that are unique to my home. These items are customized and need to be specially ordered, which takes longer.

I began the project by seeking wise counsel Like Esther, who is featured in this issue, sought the counsel of Mordecai. I sought the counsel of those who knew about remodeling a home. The next step was to work on the timing or schedule for each project. I knew painting would be messy. It seemed like the logical place to start. If my carpet was replaced before painting, I would end up blemishing my new, wood floors.

Painting was easy enough. Although my walls were dirty, I didn’t have to clean them before painting them. When I applied paint to the wall, all traces of the dirt was gone. As we learned in the last issue, the paint covered my walls in the Hebrew word kaphar meaning of the word cover. This means “to cover, appease, pacify, pardon, reconcile, cancel, purge away.” The word translates as “make atonement.”

The other projects will be harder. My old, dirty carpet will need to be ripped up. Not only is this physically demanding, but there were tasks that needed to be completed before the carpet can be removed.

I had to pack all my books and belongings to make them mobile. It was a step I couldn’t get around. During this process, I took the time to really go through my belongings. I was able to purge myself of items that no longer fit my personal style for today and would not fit in my new remodeled home.

In the course of taking an inventory of my life, I found some items I thought I had lost. Some things dropped between the cracks. Other items were just filed in the wrong place. Other items I no longer needed, but I could not bring myself to let them go. Other items I just put away and never dealt with. This exercise served as a good method to do away with the old and make room for the new. Because I have a new color scheme, some of my old things just don’t match anymore.

The project is at the point where I can visually picture the finished project, and it looks good! The energy and resources that are being exerted will increase the value of my home. Each step brings out more and more of the potential that was always there. There are times when I wish I could picture myself as the finished project God has imagined, but perhaps I would spend too much time admiring the finished picture that I wouldn’t do the work to bring it from the spiritual into the natural.

None of us are finished projects. We are all uniquely designed, and God has customized specifications for our blueprints. This Season is a time where the vision for my life is becoming clearer.

I look forward to watching the potential in each of us emerge as we are being spiritually remodeled.

Flights of Fancy

I have an extremely overactive imagination. God made me a writer, and it appears the gift comes with a side of drama and an extremely rich inner life.

An example of my over-the-top imagination occurred during a flight to Houston in April. The plane went through extreme turbulence, and it occurred to my overactive imagination that this could be the end.

After accepting my fate, I prepared myself for the end. My recent fascination with Elizabeth I, England’s Virgin Queen, led me to decide my last thoughts would be, “This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.”

Of course I did not die, but the words led to more thinking. Whenever unpleasant situations happen in my life, I woefully decree, “The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed is the Name of the Lord.”

In truth, the decree has nothing to do with celebrating God’s omniscient will over my life. It has more to do with me wallowing in self pity. But, what if my response to the good, the bad, and the ugly events in my life was, “This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.” It would certainly change my reaction and brooding—I mean musing.

Second Corinthians 10: 5 reads, “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”

This scripture is especially important when my desire takes my imagination in areas it should not be in my single state. In truth, up until three years ago, I had a predictable schedule. Every two years for about six years, I would “succumb” to my temptation. Around year four, I recognized the pattern, and year six may have been a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Then, while reading Joseph’s story, it hit me. Has God not been too good to me for me to do this sin against Him? This course of thought has helped me thus far in keeping myself, and it can be applied to all areas of my life.

The bottom line is we are bombarded with thoughts and desires that contradict with our faith. I find that it’s human nature to jump to the worst-case scenario. Perhaps this is a coping mechanism. It also seems that we desire everything we cannot have. In fact, it seems we desire everything but what we have.

Regardless of our temptations and desires, God has been too good to us for us to sin against Him! Regardless of whether the devil “sent” the sin or your desire “conjured it up,” God is faithful and just to keep you.

A Change is Going to Come

I am ready for change, and I feel change is going to come.

I am not here to endorse any presidential candidate. People should vote based on their own convictions. However, I would like to briefly speak about Barack Obama and his message of change and hope. I was musing on his popularity when the reason behind it hit me. I am convinced that many Americans are drawn to his message because the message of hope and change speaks to what is in the atmosphere. There is a wind of change blowing.

The feeling of needing change and hope began to stir within me two years ago. I went through a period where I was devoid of hope and faith. Obama basically articulated what I have been feeling for some time. I will go so far as to call him a voice crying in the wilderness speaking to our dry bones. Or is that overkill because, in truth, the hurricane of change is coming from God.

We, the people, have felt hopeless for too long and have felt like we were powerless to make a difference or impact change. We have felt like winter would never lift its hold, but spring has begun to emerge. We are embarking into a season of change.

I can look at my life and see fundamental changes in myself. Fundamentally, there is a change in my relationships (with those closest to me), in my expectations of life and myself, in my reactions toward people, in my approach to life, and in my responsibility to my spiritual and physical health.

Yes, change is going to come. The question is are we willing to sacrifice ourselves for change? The message of hope involves the sacrifice of our time, our love, and our resources. The message of hope involves going back to the fundamentals of our faith and Christian basics. It involves going back to our First Love. The message of hope involves streamlining our over-involved, hectic lives in order to reach the one with the love of Christ.

The change allows the Word to be made flesh and dwell among people.

In the words of Albert Camus, “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”

Servant’s Heart

In Acts 10, Peter makes the statement, “God is no respecter of persons.” While God is not a respecter of persons, I recently realized I am.

This revelation came seemingly out of nowhere and pierced me deeply. The event that birthed this truth happened while I was ushering.

I had always considered myself a servant, but I must admit that there were certain personalities that always challenged me. I must also admit that most of the time this challenge had more to do with issues in me than them as individuals. There was that 5% of the population that I did not want to serve. God challenged my 5%.

I actually feel great about this revelation. I count it an honor that God would see fit to chastise one so unworthy as myself. I turned directly to Hebrews 12:5-8, which reads, “And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons.”

In 2007, I had to truthfully answer the question, Am I ready for the responsibility and tests that come with the prayer for a servant’s heart?

As I enter 2008, my prayer is that God gives me a true servant’s heart.

The number eight is significant as it represents new beginnings. The number seven represented completion. Let us all make sure we have completed the assignments God gave us to prepare us for our new beginnings.

A servant’s heart is not just important for ushers. A servant’s heart is important for each person claiming the name of Jesus Christ.

God is preparing His church. In what areas is God chastising you? What is the 5% you are holding back? God is going to challenge it. These are the areas you need to develop. This development will propel you straight into your God-given destiny.

On behalf of PCC Women’s Scroll staff, I wish you a prosperous and blessed 2008. We are excited to be entering our seventh year, and we ask you to pray for this ministry.

Who am I at War With?

Psalm 62 is one of my favorite Psalms. But, how does one make the leap from verse two to verse six?

Verse two reads, “He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved.” Verse six reads, “He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defense; I shall not be moved.”

I can only imagine the state of my world if I were not moved by work, relationships, feelings, my drama, and my seemingly unshakeable pattern of flirting with dangerous / unhealthy situations.

There are situations where I honestly feel I have the “right” to feel bitterness, hatred, anger, disillusionment, and animosity. I have to remind myself that is not the point.

There are times when I am on top of the world. Verse six is within my reach, but here comes life. I come tumbling down the mountain and into the valley.

Recently, Minister Terry spoke from the topic “Do you know what you are fighting for?” As I listened to the message, I jotted down some thoughts.

There are times I feel as if I am at war. I am at war with situations, and I am at war with people.

In truth, I am at war. I’m just not exerting my energy towards the correct enemy.

I end up fighting the situations. I end up fighting the people. I end up exhausting myself.

Because I never fight the real enemy, I never fight the real issues.

I end up not acknowledging or following the war plan. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

We are at war together fighting a common enemy. What sense does it make that we fight each other? Wouldn’t it make more sense to stand together as brothers and sisters in Christ and fight the real enemy?

As we enter the last months of 2007, I invite us all to take an inventory of what is moving us. What is our attention focused on? What is causing us stress, worry, and anxiety?

Who we are fighting? Who are we fighting with? What exactly are we fighting for?

The battle plans are drawn out. All you have to do is prepare for your position.

Dreams

I dream a lot. I daydream a lot as well.

There are recurring themes in the dreams. Buses—Missed Buses. Classes—Missed Classes. Forgotten Tests. Whales.

In my dreams, I search and long for something.

I am never where I should be. I should be in class or work, but I am wandering.

I am in class, but I forgot to study for a final.

I am running for a bus that pulls away right before I get there.

In the recent past, I dreamt I was pregnant. I remember that I did not want this baby, and I remember thinking I cannot and will not have this baby.

I then dreamt that I had an abortion. I went through a mourning process.

A week ago, I dreamt the abortion dream again. The dream was so heavy. When I woke up, I had to remind myself that it was a dream (This may have been part of the dream). I felt grief, guilt, and a heaviness that I couldn’t shake.

I had questions about the dreams. Was God planting compassion in me to minister to women who have had abortions?

Was this God’s way of telling me that I had let a gift or responsibility die?

I’m leaning toward the latter. I didn’t want the baby. The baby would interfere with my life and my plans.

If I had recognized the blessing of the baby in my womb, I would have rejoiced at the wonder of the gift that was given.

The baby was not my baby. The baby was our baby.

There are so many talents, gifts, ideas, and compassions seeded in all of us. Will we cherish (want), cultivate, and birth these ideas? Or will the seeds go along the wayside and be choked out by life?

We are close to the harvest season. Fall is upon us, and it is time for the fruits of our labor to be reaped (birthed) for consumption and use during the winter that will follow.